2020, you are finally here and I’ve been dreaming about you. Historically, even numbered years have always been my favorite. Whether they prompted an exciting or difficult change – major moves are usually made. And this coming year feels no different.
2019 was beautiful – special in so many ways. But I found myself experiencing the pains of growth. I felt like I was only allowing half of myself to embrace the remarkable change that was happening around me, to me, and within me. And in the midst of that uncomfortable state, I noticed a pattern…
Every other year (in my case… even years), I do the work. I put it all out there, I dream, I manifest, I cultivate! In the odd years, I find myself surrounded by the fruits of my labor and the opportunity for more, but I feel overwhelmed and unsure of what to do with it all, where I should go next, and downright scared that I’m going to ruin or lose what I’ve gained. It recently hit me that no matter what I have, who I have, where I’ve been or where I’m going… the one thing that I have yet to acquire to break this pattern is the full acceptance of myself. I’ve spent my entire life walking this fine line trying to be the right thing to everyone but me. I’ve had seasons of acceptance that are liberating and euphoric yet inevitably terminated by self-doubt. It’s like the taste of happiness terrifies me… but it also happens to be the most delicious thing I’ve ever eaten.
This year, it’s time to destroy that pattern. I feel like 2019 allowed me to begin peeling back my layers, but I’m on a mission to get to the core. I want to stop dipping my foot into the ocean and actually swim in it – enthusiastic and unafraid of what may be before me. Between my gut and God… I have yet to be misguided.
My heart has felt both happiness and heartbreak and I’m so protective of it. But when I let my walls down, be myself, and share my heart – actually, truly share it, the most magnificent things seem to happen in every aspect of life. Every single time. It’s like I found my secret sauce and convinced myself that there’s a limited supply. There’s no reason to ration it… I need to be pouring that ish on EVERYTHING!
I saw a quote the other day that read “I found home in a lot of places; but nothing can compare to finding home in myself” and I felt like that summed my life up perfectly. I know that I hold myself back (in a lot ways) and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of tasting happiness, I’m tired of half-assing things that are important to me, I’m tired of worrying about everyone else. I am so confident that all of my goals, dreams, and desires will begin piecing together when I begin to show up, unapologetically, (and consistently) as myself.
So that’s my main focus this year – let go of the mess in my head, embrace the people that feel like sunlight, enjoy this beautiful life that I feel too grateful to have, and be me… for no one else but me.
Here’s to 2020, let it be a year of clarity, vulnerability, true happiness, and genuine being for all of us!
Amanda, you have the gifts of peace and gentleness. Your energy is so valuable and needed. I pray that as you show up in 2020, your self-confidence will grow. Hugs, beautiful!
Every time I read one of your blogs it lifts my spirit. I’d like to think I’m old but wise. In you I see a beautiful young women who is very wise. XO